Discerning Defensiveness

Originally published January 2025.

It was one of the first sessions with the new therapist I started seeing. He was making an interpretation of me that didn’t resonate, and I was squirming in my seat, dealing with the internal conflict between wanting to be understood more accurately and wanting to be a “good patient.” Taking a risk and trying to explain, I said, “That doesn’t sound quite right, but I’m afraid that maybe I’m just being defensive.” He paused for a moment, and what he said next made me burst into tears:

“You’re allowed to be defensive.”

It was permission I didn’t know I needed; permission I was explicitly not given growing up in generational and societal systems that needed to mold me to be agreeable, polite, and “good”— common socialization for white women in particular.

It also got me thinking about the concept of defensiveness. In the context of antiracism, white defensiveness is an enormous roadblock impeding racial progress. There are common defensive maneuvers white folx employ when faced with racial discomfort that allow us to skirt the processes of examining ourselves or making change. So defensiveness can block us from facing painful truths and prevent meaningful change, especially in antiracism work. But rejecting defensiveness entirely can leave us overly agreeable, suppressing necessary resistance. So how do we discern the difference?

This post is not meant to give permission for justifying our own defensiveness— it’s meant to encourage asking about your defensiveness and listening to what it’s saying. For any given situation, is your defensiveness protecting against a genuine inaccuracy? Or is it protecting against facing something you don’t want to see in yourself? Does it serve to bridge understanding and connection, or does it serve to shield a hit to your ego?

For myself, I discern defensiveness by noticing what emotions emerge alongside it. One type of defensiveness initially feels scary to defend myself, but ultimately leads me to feel empowered and connected. I was momentarily nervous to tell my therapist that I think he had it wrong, but found that doing so immediately improved the therapeutic relationship and trust that I could be myself in the room. Another type of defensiveness, on the other hand, initially protects against feelings of being bitter and threatened, and ultimately leads me to feel both righteous and lonely.

Discerning defensiveness requires three things of us: getting curious about our defensiveness, observing the nuances, and learning from them. And this is a skill we are going to need, to know when we need to practice humility or when we need to take action.

What do you notice when you get curious, observe, and learn about your own defensiveness?